this is where i'm at

Thursday, June 05, 2008

everywhere but where i should be

i don't really blog any more. u notice that too?? i'm at my entz house rite now and i should be sleeping, but who am i kidding? i don't sleep. all it takes is a couple of ppl or phone calls and my slumber has been stolen from me. really wish they'd give it back.
anyways. i got off track. in more ways than one. it's ridiculous really. it happens and u have no idea it is! its so easy to become selfish or lazy or just preoccupied and lose sight of what matters. crazy really, sum girl i'll probably never see again brought me back to my senses thru one seemingly normal introductional conversation. i'm quite sure she has no idea, but i'll remain thankful none the less. i think i'll make it into a song. u may have just saved me, thanx stranger.
i'm curious. how do u say goodbye? should u say goodbye? i mean truly there is no definite end here. times running out and i still don't even know how to do what it is i'm supposed to. i can't seem to find the words so i make it into music. i hope it doesn't become something that haunts me.
jamin has a part on the district conv. tomorrow. how cool is that?? and even cooler, our cousin is going to go!! she fell outta the truth years ago, so this is super exciting. the events that brought this all about r hardly coincidental, even cooler.
alrite u crazy kids. i'm out. take care of urselves, and others.

Monday, July 02, 2007

"and i miss u, even here taking it all in"


<--on some steps in vienna

wow. it's been forever. i don't even rememb

er the last time i posted. well i guess oodles and oodles of stuff has been going on. went to the conv again this past weekend, had my rockin chicago kids there. love them! the conv. itself was as usual exactly what i needed to hear.

umm...went to europe. this is how i describe the trip to everyone who asks. "europe was a week on a boat with 30 sum relatives." *shudders* never travel without ur budz! i mean it was so incredibly beautiful, but by the 2nd day ppl were ready to kill eachother, and jamin and i were ridiculously friend-sick. honestly the title "and i miss u even here taking it all in" -minus the bear, was all that kept running thru my head. i don't get homesick, and i figured out y. whenever i'm not at home i'm with friends. so i never ever am missing everyone all at once. well that was until europe. man i missed u guys!

been thinkin to myself alot. fireworx seen from rooftops downtown rock. totally worth the effort. some ppl r worth taking the risk. sometimes u just need to risk it find out then spend forever wondering.

i was bored on lunch one day. go figure. so naturally i sent out a mass txt. ppl develop a self image. how they think they look in the eyes of others. but what i think doesn't really tell me what u actually think. so i asked. i asked ppl to describe themselves in 3 words, to see if i see them how they see themselves. and then 3 words that describe me. in no order here's me in a nutshell. i wrote exactly what was sent to me, these r ur words, not mine.oh a lot were duplicates, hence the numbers, so u know how many times it was used. eye-opener. thanx guys.

hilarious 2

spontanious

fun loving 2

crazy 4

clumsy

fun 10

chill

spiritual 6

spunky 3

weird

corny

witty 2

vivacious

precious

easy to get along with

non-judgemental

sassy

outgoing 3

energetic

happy 3

determined

strong 2

loyal

bummy

funny

real

flippin freakin sweet

kind 2

social

comfortable

sweet

open

bold 2

confident 2

easy going 3

cool 5

into music 2

intellectual

yare

satariun

seapin

jamin's sister

laid back

friendly

trusting

slow to anger

open minded

intelligent 3

unpredictable

quirky

nice 3

radtastic

whimsical

caring 2

positive

tomboy

active

faithful

loving 2

fragile

friend

musicologist

insightful

uplifting

honest

unique

supportive

adventurous

energetic 2

interesting

awesome

easy to love

well i've typed far too much. i'm gonna call it quits and nap. l8er.

Monday, April 09, 2007

eight days a week



AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

alive for the moment

it's so weird how a random txt in the middle of the nite has the potential to seriously change so much. it's funny how no one's gonna know what i'm talking about. i discovered an amazing new band. well, more like one guy. i WILL find this cd tomorrow. i don't care where i have to go. by the time i have to be everywhere sunday this cd will be singing me thru the whole journey. things r good. well, for me at least. we'll see if we can't spread that around a bit. things change fast.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

here too






and there

this is where i've been lately






yup. there, an there, an there, and so forth and so on.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

a mind of her own

one of my imperfections is being so quick to notice yours. terribly sorry. oddly enough this proved to be beneficial a couple weeks ago. well, i wasn't quick to notice. but the point is i eventually did. you ever have a moment where it just hits u? everything u've been fighting off, ignoring, even running away from, u just let in. all it took was a chat with a friend who had sadly found herself in a position i myself was usually in. looking in from the outside, man what an eye opener. hearing the all too familiar dispare in her voice and knowing she got sucked in again. into the awful crap, drama, and ridiculous events that somehow becomes one's life. and it hit me. some people won't change. some people don't change. i hate it. i've never been good at letting go. i'm not sure i ever genuinely have. there's a first time for everything i guess. just sux it had to be u.

i've been told i keep things in too much. if u seriously wanna know what's going on, ask. and be incredibly patient, opening up isn't easy. i'm really not one to wear my heart on my sleeve. here's some things u can know. the assembly this past weekend was so amazing. such a blessing. talk about hearing exactly what u need to hear. i've been so frusterated, with myself really. it seems to be basically wanting to do more, feeling i NEED to, but having gotten stuck in a situation where it seems impossible, unreasonable maybe to do so....ha, well that was B4 the assembly. it's so amazing, and quite brilliant really all the ways we get distracted and lose sight of what our priorities should in fact be. check urself. get back on track and stay there. i'm very impatient. i think this is common knowledge to the majority. i think my impatience mite prove to be beneficial just this once. i know whats coming is going to seem risky, maybe even stupid to some. check urself, i know i will be okay. i fully believe this. and y wouldn't i? it's promised numerous times. so before u go judging and worrying, check urself. it's gonna be okay. ; )

everything to everyone. man i gotta keep better balance. i love my friends so much. that's something u can know too. "it's nice for u to actually be there when ur not needed too". wow. i suck. this was told to me after it started to hit me that i've been missing too much. it's impossible to be everything to everyone. frankly it's not our place. but naturally u wanna do whatever it is u can for ur friends. i try to do that. if u need something i'm there. i'll try my darndest at least. that's not what it's all about. enjoy ur friends! ur not just there to help people cope. love ur friends. goof off, have fun, just hang out and talk about nonsense, and be sure to take it in and appreciate it. i've been missing that and i am so sorry. u drift if all u r is the "go to" friend. not to mention u will exhaust urself. don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with going to friends to get u thru stuff, its very important, but is that all u got? be there when ur not needed.

i have to say good bye tomorrow. dang it. i'm really not wanting too. kinda need to tho. as hard as it is to say goodbye,there's nothing worse than not saying goodbye. speaking of goodbyes, i really ought to try and get some sleep. i could ramble on, maybe i should, but sleep is definatly calling. take care all, keep focused and whats really important, enjoy ur friends, don't avoid doing things that may be difficult, don't keep everything inside, and stop reading this and get some sleep!

Monday, November 27, 2006

if i ever feel better

these past couple of weeks i've pulled a 180, been up, down, thrown around ,and just completely lost. it's ok, found myself again. no worries. ok don't freak out on me here but i stepped down from aux. just for the time being. i was gonna lose my job (and my bros for that matter) had i not. word of advice, never ever ever stop. i've never cried so hard driving home. it was so hard to do but it's only till jan. i'll be back 2 it in no time. u haven't a clue how hard it was to get me back to that point. that additude that ur not gonna stop me. i don't give up. i almost lost that for a bit. awwww, thanx abby! sorry, i felt the need to do that. i'm talking to my fellow abby about what's been going on. she's quite wonderful really.

this brings me to something. how is it the best part of u, u'll over look? i've been very privledged to meet some people who just blow me away. they r so amazing, and it's as clear as day...well, not like today, but a sunny day without a cloud in the sky kinda clear day (wonder if i'll ever see one of those again, stupid winter) and they have no idea how truly spectacular they really r. i'll never get that.

i've been really down with having to stop aux and other stuff and so i guess i got a bit selfish. thankfully i've got friends who have enough guts to call me on it. if i'm being a jerk let me know. sometimes we can all be a bit oblivious to our own imperfections, or actions. make me aware and if i don't chew ur head off :P i'll fix it. no worries, i'll fix it.

i disappeared for a nite. well i left and no one really knew where cept the ppl i went to go visit. between that and the c.o.'s visit i found myself out of that awful awful rut. self pity. so u cant do what u were doing at the before. stop feeling bad and do what u can. it's not how many times u fall down. it's the fact that u keep getting up. can't stop us now. sometimes ppl do u a world of good without knowing it. stay positive. somehow it hit me sunday that everything is going to be okay. and it will. i believe that, i will look u dead in the eyes and tell u that. somehow, everything is going to be okay.

i'm beginning to question my own sanity. service saturday morning we r heading out to a call in the country and i see this huge teepee tipi?? i haven't a clue how to spell that. te pe? u know, those cool things indians lived in. ok i'm gonna go with t p. neways it was past this call next to some farm or something like that. the whole way to the call i'm like " hey check it out! a giant t p! cool! look!!" no one sees it. so after the call i make the car group go and find this awesome t p. we r driving everywhere the whole time the group doubting me more and more and the whole time me insisting i saw this giant t p and we're probably really close.and we don't find it. and i'm sooooo certain i saw it too!! yeah. am i seeing things? the rest of the morning the group had a blast teasing me bout it. can u blame them?? man i'm so sure i saw it tho! i'm gonna go back out there and look. if i don't find it i may check myself into a mental institute.....or get more sleep.

sunday morning i'm driving back early from disappearing the nite before and i stopped at hardees for some cinnamon raisin biscuits...mmmmmm.....for breakfast. with them i got a milk. now the milk came in a carton and milk from those things tend to taste kinda weird. so when i drank it and thought it tasted kinda funny i wasn't too concerned. that is until the last swallow when all it was was chunks. EWW!! i spit it out screaming! (mind u i was still driving back). i feared for the worse. my thought " man, i am going to be soooooooo sick". somehow i was ok. i don't know y i just shared that with u, but i did. so enjoy. remind me to pick up the phoenix cds i'm missing. man i have a problem. i can't stop buying music. i'm broke. not a good combo. oh well, it makes me very happy.